I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately. I’ve spent the past two years soul searching and it’s been a good ride. But my thoughts have been a bit…jaded, I guess. I mean, I’m a 21 year old girl…I’ll be a senior in college next year and things are going as well as I’m sure they can for someone like me. I heard this song come on my iPod the other day and it pretty much summed up what I’m feeling:

“My independence is calling my name. A doubtful voice divides my faith. My independence only hesitates; an unsure choice I can’t embrace. You’re gonna have to carve me from stone, right to the bone or I’ll end up alone…playing the role of someone in control.”

You see, a lot of these jaded thoughts have stemmed from just barely passing Intermediate Accounting 2. The thing is…everyone told me that taking that class will let you know if you are supposed to go into public accounting; that if you love it, then you know what you should do. I hated it…

So now I’m thinking: what am I really supposed to be doing with my life? I can’t take back the last three years of my life and I know that I’m too far into getting my accounting degree. Changing my major now would not only be a headache, but would be very very financially irresponsible. Should I have just taken a year off between graduating high school and starting college?

I look around at some people I graduated with and where they ended up…a lot of them graduated from high school and that was it. They stuck around our hometown and a few of them started families already: whether planned or not. And I wonder…are they in the same boat as me? Are they as lost as I am?

I wish I could stand here and tell you all that it was strictly MY decision to go to college.  And I wish that I could tell you all that I’m as passionate about it now as I was when I first started three years ago. But I can’t…my whole heart isn’t into it anymore. But at the same time: Where else would I have gone? What would I have done? And I’m sure some just wanted me to be the very FIRST person in my whole family to go to college right after high school and get as far as I have. But the honest truth is…

…I’m not really happy anymore.

I still don’t know what I’m going to do after school. And I don’t want it to turn out to be one of those things that I have nothing to show for it but a job that I hate and a huge bill to pay. I guess I’ll have to spend the rest of the summer figuring stuff out and if I even want all of this anymore.