So a few years ago, I remember listening to Dane Cook describe the Nothing Fight and relationships so bad that they are better known as Relation”shits”. I haven’t gotten in relationships that crazy and I am in no way a relationship expert, but I have been through some pretty tough ones.
And here’s the thing. Anytime I have had a break-up, it always ends in severed ties, heaps of tears and (up until recently) me trying to stay invested in the lives of my ex’s.
Funny thing I’ve found about that too? IT NEVER WORKS.
It’s true! And yes, I have had tons of experience on this…being on the losing end with nearly all of my break-ups. It always has turned out that when it’s over, it was my ex who would rather be over and done with it all while I try to piece back together everything that I thought was lost; trying to pry my way back into their hearts.
I suppose that is why I took a three-year hiatus from “love” or serious relationships after my high school boyfriend and I broke up after I came home from my first year of college. I think at the time I used the idea of finding myself as a distraction; an excuse to assure myself that being single would be okay. Break ups are never how they are portrayed in movies…you don’t stay best friends, you can’t stay invested in each other and things are never the way they used to be before you had a taste of what it’s like being together.
It turned out that being alone really wasn’t so bad though. I mean, once I got over the fact that he and I were donzo, I got used to the simple truth that I was free — free to do what I wanted, when I wanted to and not have to worry about the time I got home or if I missed a call. I learned how to take care of myself and put my wants and needs above someone else’s. I learned exactly what I could accomplish on my own.
So imagine the shock I was in, after those three years of being alone, getting into a relationship that would span the exact amount of time I was single. I won’t downplay it because that would be a lie. It was blissful and exciting, crazy and hard all at the same time.
And when the break up turned bad, I found that I was not on the side I was used to being on — the dumped side (to sum it up, I guess).
Since then, I have been on the receiving end of the other person wanting to stay in my life. I’m really getting a taste of my own medicine this time around. He wasn’t ready to be over with it and I can totally relate to that. And it sucks that every time we talk he has to bring up the fact that he thinks about me all the time or he’ll wake up out of a dead sleep thinking that I’m still there. I guess that’s probably why all my other ex’s were so ready for it to be over…it gets to be a tad much.
I still have not figured out what compels us to want to try to mend what we may have had with another person when, clearly, at least one of the parties involved is ready to move on. I also don’t understand why breaking up automatically strikes up fear that the other person will forget about everything that we meant to them. I think that was what scared me for the most part…the idea that someone who had validated my existence would no longer serve that purpose.
I guess the whole point of this one was to maybe let him know that it’s okay to move on. I know how difficult it is when you’re still hung up on all the awesome things we had because I have been there before. I haven’t just woken up and forgotten the laughs and great moments we shared. But I also don’t want to spend my days wondering what could have made it any better or what could have saved our relationship.
And I guess the moral of this is that in the grand scheme of things, staying attached to what you had with someone you’ve lost won’t make your heart heal any faster. Even though it is seems like a constant struggle, moving forward is probably the best band-aid for a broken heart.