Category Archives: About Me

Where the Lines Overlap

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I felt wuzzy twice today.

And in case you are asking yourself, ‘what are you even talking about?!’ Wuzzy = warm + fuzzy. That’s not a word? Well it is now so booyahhhh.

Anyway, work was kinda crazy today. In case you don’t know what I do, I work for a human resource company. I specialize in payroll taxes and yes, I am pretty awesome at my job. This morning, I was doing some approvals and checking payments and stuff; I had handed back some paperwork to be redone and the girl who had to redo it is relatively new. She seemed frazzled — I could already tell she had been working with the branch partners a lot with it.

So when she handed the corrected paperwork back, I processed it and sent it on to be mailed. I IM’ed her…nearly instantaneously, she reacted with, ‘did I miss something again?’ And instead of bringing her down, I simply said, ‘no. I just wanted to say good job.’ I assured her that what we do is not a walk in the park; there will be stuff she has to do that is difficult and she just has to get through it. I also let her know that instead of being so hard on herself, she needs to remember that she has potential to be great at her job…a little patience is all that is needed.

This reminded me of why I was promoted. I like mentoring; I like seeing people succeed. This was one of the many wonderful things that made me stand out when I went for my promotion. I help approve work of more than 24 specialists…I don’t want to be that person who only interacts with them when they do something wrong. I think that at some point in the past month or so, I lost sight of that. 😦

Later in the afternoon, I went to talk to one of the girls that management had swapped our job roles and she had just gotten off the phone with support. So I went into her cube after I heard her hang up the phone just in time to see her completely break down in tears. I knew that the transition was a bit harder for them than it was for me…I just didn’t know that it had gotten that overwhelming.

I have never seen anyone in my department reach that breaking point. So I let her cry and vent to me. I listened as she told me how the work that came with the switch was just too much — how she had been with the department for 9 years and never wanted to walk out more than she did today.

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And all the while, I was trying to comfort her. I had my hand on her back soothing her. I even gave her a few hugs. Then I told her if she needed to talk, I would be there in a heartbeat.

I was thinking about it a little bit after. Was it unwise to go in for a hug or soothe her? Did it go against the company’s Right Way training? I was taught that in the work place, the safest option is to just keep out of others’ personal bubbles…honor boundaries.

I think that we’re so caught up in the deadlines and trying to keep it professional that we sometimes forget that we are working with people. I spend as nearly as much time during the week with my co-workers as I do with my own family. I see the people at the office everyday but all the rules about right and wrong interactions make us to be more like robots than humans.

I just found myself in that gray area where I am doing right as a human but wrong as a slave to Corporate America. Idk. Maybe it’s necessary for these lines to have overlapped. And honestly, if given the chance to do it over I would not do it any differently.

Agree or disagree, either is fine. I would just rather take the more human approach is all. I mean, what would you all have done?

Let me know 🙂

On The Mend

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So a few years ago, I remember listening to Dane Cook describe the Nothing Fight and relationships so bad that they are better known as Relation”shits”. I haven’t gotten in relationships that crazy and I am in no way a relationship expert, but I have been through some pretty tough ones.

Breaking up is tough but sometimes necessary.

Breaking up is tough but sometimes necessary.

And here’s the thing. Anytime I have had a break-up, it always ends in severed ties, heaps of tears and (up until recently) me trying to stay invested in the lives of my ex’s.

Funny thing I’ve found about that too? IT NEVER WORKS.

It’s true! And yes, I have had tons of experience on this…being on the losing end with nearly all of my break-ups. It always has turned out that when it’s over, it was my ex who would rather be over and done with it all while I try to piece back together everything that I thought was lost; trying to pry my way back into their hearts.

I suppose that is why I took a three-year hiatus from “love” or serious relationships after my high school boyfriend and I broke up after I came home from my first year of college. I think at the time I used the idea of finding myself as a distraction; an excuse to assure myself that being single would be okay. Break ups are never how they are portrayed in movies…you don’t stay best friends, you can’t stay invested in each other and things are never the way they used to be before you had a taste of what it’s like being together.

It turned out that being alone really wasn’t so bad though. I mean, once I got over the fact that he and I were donzo, I got used to the simple truth that I was free — free to do what I wanted, when I wanted to and not have to worry about the time I got home or if I missed a call. I learned how to take care of myself and put my wants and needs above someone else’s. I learned exactly what I could accomplish on my own.

So imagine the shock I was in, after those three years of being alone, getting into a relationship that would span the exact amount of time I was single. I won’t downplay it because that would be a lie. It was blissful and exciting, crazy and hard all at the same time.

I did the walking this time...

I did the walking this time…

And when the break up turned bad, I found that I was not on the side I was used to being on — the dumped side (to sum it up, I guess).

Since then, I have been on the receiving end of the other person wanting to stay in my life. I’m really getting a taste of my own medicine this time around. He wasn’t ready to be over with it and I can totally relate to that. And it sucks that every time we talk he has to bring up the fact that he thinks about me all the time or he’ll wake up out of a dead sleep thinking that I’m still there. I guess that’s probably why all my other ex’s were so ready for it to be over…it gets to be a tad much.

I still have not figured out what compels us to want to try to mend what we may have had with another person when, clearly, at least one of the parties involved is ready to move on. I also don’t understand why breaking up automatically strikes up fear that the other person will forget about everything that we meant to them. I think that was what scared me for the most part…the idea that someone who had validated my existence would no longer serve that purpose.

This will eventually be attained.

This will eventually be attained.

I guess the whole point of this one was to maybe let him know that it’s okay to move on. I know how difficult it is when you’re still hung up on all the awesome things we had because I have been there before. I haven’t just woken up and forgotten the laughs and great moments we shared. But I also don’t want to spend my days wondering what could have made it any better or what could have saved our relationship.

And I guess the moral of this is that in the grand scheme of things, staying attached to what you had with someone you’ve lost won’t make your heart heal any faster. Even though it is seems like a constant struggle, moving forward is probably the best band-aid for a broken heart.

Tiny Moments

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I was feeling a bit pensive the other day.

I was driving through my old home town and for some strange reason tiny moments of my past came flooding into my mind. It’s strange being back in that place and how it all seems so familiar and unfamiliar at the same time.

During college, anytime I would come home, it’d be just a little less comforting every summer. It started feeling less like home and more like an increasingly distant friend; one that I knew very well at first but then lost touch with as time passed.

And in many ways, everything is the same…the same buildings, the same people. As I drove through I remembered when 7-11 used to be a Sugarcreek and Shurfine used to be Jubilee and how the new Government Center was once the town’s old nursing home. And how the monuments of the town used to look so much bigger when I was younger; they’ve now rusted and are a little less handsome than when I was growing up.

PMJ_061-300x300I can remember spending days and nights driving around hoping to score…anything really. There would be days when I would be home but gone for weeks at a time cruising back roads and side streets with my friends. And as I was driving on the same pavement I was taken back to those days. How reckless were we? To this day, I don’t know how were never caught or stopped by the fuzz. So many memories; like the woods we would escape to light bonfires for our underage drinking excursions…or the memorial on the side of the road marking the place one of my classmates had died two years after graduation. Or the shed where I told my high school crush I’d call him back in a few days — 6 years later, I still haven’t called. Or the meandering dips and curves from the midnight drives I would take with a guy I thought I had fallen madly in love with.

film-strip-77Everything about that place played out in my mind like a film reel of tiny moments in my head; snapshots of a girl I used to be and all of her dreams and aspirations. It’s nice, sometimes, to be reminded of the past and how a lot of the decisions I made brought me to where I am now. I think someday when I’m looking out over blue waters of the far away coast of my new home, I may look back and miss this.

I’m glad I can visit now and again…even if it is as an old friend just passing through.

I am in a weird place lately…

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Not like physically. I’m not just like in a dark alley somewhere or ramdomly standing in a corn field in Nebraska like “what’s up Nebraska?”

No, I just feel like my life has kind of plateaued. Just thinking about it, I came up with this sort-of graph in my head to illustrate…

7 years ago, graduated high school = up two.

3 years ago, graduated college = up seven **including negative three per the thousands of dollars I put myself in debt for a degree which is seemingly useless**

2 years ago, completed a year of AmeriCorps VISTA service = up two.

1.75 years ago, unemployment = down three.

1.5 years ago, started my career at the company in which I am currently employed = up five.

1.5 months ago, was promoted = up five.

Two weeks ago, no change. One week ago, no change. Today, no change.

Maybe I am just being silly or coming down from the high of my promotion. But on top of that, stuff at home has kind of gone sour. Work has become weird — I am in the middle of a transition to another part of my department. Money is just being itself and complicating everything as normal.

Just this past weekend I was laying in bed, browsing apps on my phone when the questions surfaced…

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This question mark has a face in it…mind officially blown.

…who am I?

And what am I doing with my life? Where am I supposed to be headed? How did I even know that Nebraska had a lot of corn fields?

I am not even sure. And I am finding myself just…lost? Maybe.

Idk. Perhaps I have just have to wait it out. I imagine that this has happened before, this cannot be the first time…right? *sigh*

I wish I had a different tone to end this with…perhaps a last note about what I might learn from this or a joke even. But I suppose I will just finish here, leaving you all feeling a little weird, maybe a bit perplexed, and definitely tempted to google how much acreage of corn field Nebraska really has.

xoxo

Poker Joker

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I have come to the realization that I am really, really bad at poker…

Well, I am actually not horrendous. I guess you can say that I have my moments. For the past four or five months I have been playing poker on my phone using the WSOP app. It was free and I was bored, at the time.

At first it was all sunshine and butterflies. I was totally addicted to this game; plus, it was a good way to waste time on my way to work or helped make me sleepy before I went to bed. I even was able to accrue a bunch of fake chips to play with. At one point I had nearly reached 700 million. It was nice.

Then, as I played more and more, I met an array of people from across the country and beyond — always on the table though…never in real life. Learned my lesson from meeting people for real after you connect online, believe that.

I digress…

As time went on, the bad beats started. Old poker buddies turned into non-existent poker buddies and I lost a lot of fake chips.

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Now, it has come to a point where it is no fun anymore.  I mean, sure it is fake chips and all but people get super fired up and take bad beats way too personally (even though it is okay when they are on the winning side of it). Also, the people whom I had grown accustomed to playing with have turned cold — like, not just on the table but for real. And I am now starting to think, more than ever, that there are really no real friends on this app save a few; but they are becoming increasingly scarce. The sad reality…

And all the while, all I am left to think: ‘How can such a ridiculous app be the root of so much drama?!’

Honestly! It really has gotten to the point of nearly quitting time. I have already started getting rid of my chips inadvertently — losing on purpose is no longer anything that I am weary of and I think I am better at that than I ever was at winning.

I don’t know, readers. This all probably sounds super trivial to you. But just think of something — anything — you remember doing to waste time. And then, eventually, you did it so much that it became part of your daily routine. Can’t you remember wondering what you’ll do with that time you used to spend doing whatever you did once you quit?

That is where I am at now. There are things that I am looking forward to doing with the time I used to spend playing poker — read on my Kindle more; practice my guitar like I used to; blog.

Needless to say, I am slowly weaning myself off of playing. You didn’t expect me to go off and quit cold turkey did you?!

*sigh* I guess I just have to keep reminding myself that I was never really that good at poker anyway.