Category Archives: Fail

This Fortune Cookie is Ruining My Life

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Last Friday I got out of work early…like 10:30 am early. It was pretty awesome. And because of that I was able to grab some lunch with one of my most favoritest people in the world, my sister Nannon. So I picked her up and we went to get some Chinese food.

Now by tradition, after you have your fill of Chinese food, you are treated to a tasty fortune cookie. This day was no different. The waitress brought our fortune cookies with our bill. And as I smashed the cookie in the package (the cookie part wasn’t as tasty as it should be), I searched for the tiny slip of paper baked in its (normally) delicious depths.

And here’s what it said:

"Next week will be your week."

๐Ÿ™‚ Next week will be your week. ๐Ÿ™‚

I read this and took it with a grain of salt. “Next week will be your week.” At first I was like, ‘F*ck yeah!’; then thought nothing of it. Soon after, we paid for our meal and I took my sister back to work, leaving straight away for home to start my weekend.

Today is Wednesday and as this week has progressed, this cryptic message has been haunting me. What exactly is making this week my week tiny Buddha? Is something spectacular supposed to happen? Was I supposed to play these numbers for this week’s mega jackpot drawing? Is something miraculous supposed to fall out of the sky?!

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?!?!

It’s driving me bananas. The fortune says it’s supposed to be my week but it would have been great if it went into a little more detail. I feel like the answer is there; I just can’t decode it. Like, throw me a friggen bone here…wait, was I supposed to get a bone? What that what was supposed to happen to make it my week? Is this slip of paper insinuating that I’m a female dog…

Cheeky fortune.

Anyway, this tiny slip of paper has been bugging me since Monday. It like, crawled into my brain and planted little fortune babies in my head. It’s mocking me. It’s single sheetingly ruining my life.

Whatever. Stupid fortune cookie. At least my sister’s fortune was a bit more entertaining…

...in bed *giggle*

…in bed *giggle*

“I got this new glow in the dark thing. You can’t really see it right now unless you go like this…”

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I feel like Carl from Yes Man right now. I hardly slept last night and I kind of feel like I downed about 6 cases of Redbull. (I haven’t so don’t be worried that my heart could explode at any moment)

Have you ever felt so tired that you tricked yourself into thinking you weren’t at all? This used to happen to me a lot during college. I think it is happening now. Last night I tossed and turned til two in the morning then woke up three hours later for work like fml.

Today wasn’t the best either. It rained pretty much all day while the A/C was cranking inside…turned us all into ice cubes (get it? Cuz we all work in cubicles?ย  Eh? Eh? *crickets*)

-_-*

No one understands me…

Anyway, today felt backwards and all wrong — kinda like my office joke.

I will be going to sleep in 45 minutes though. No if, ands or…

…zzz.

Road Karma

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Dear driver of the Silver-White Chrysler,

For months you have been bullying all the other commuters of John Street. You ย race us from the red light, you cut us off by jutting yourself into traffic and you ride our bumpers as though your car wants to procreate with ours.

And yes, we appease you on the road. We slam on our breaks, reassuring ourselves that we probably just came out of nowhere; we let you pass us because we all remind ourselves that your wife is probably in labor…

By golly, sometimes I just cannot decipher what this is telling me to do!

Gee willikers, sometimes I just cannot decipher what this is telling me to do!

Today, dear driver, we all partook in our daily afternoon ritual of clocking out, getting into our cars and making our way to the commune known as John Street. However, like always, you decided to run that darned red sign jutting out of the ground — you know, the one that has that intricate word STOP — except today, you cut off a police officer.

Now I knew he was a visitor of our fair commune known as John Street so he did not understand that your wife was in labor like she is everyday!

Silly, I know.

And as I saw those fated red and blue lights flicker on, I knew that today was not going to be the day you made it to that delivery room.

As I passed you, I did not gesture or even glance over as you slowly rolled your window down to greet the police officer you’d just cut off. I just slightly grinned, squinted my eyes and nodded in sweet, sweet victory.

I hope we can move past this, dear driver. I know that darn sign just sometimes makes no sense…but I’m sure bringing your car to a complete halt behind it won’t hurt every once in a while.

I will see you tomorrow!

Your fellow John Street Commuter,

-Ashley

 

The Aftermath of Impending Doom

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So the world was supposed to end yesterday…

…fail.

And in the aftermath of impending doom, I am still here, typing on my new laptop and finding myself having missed something again. I, of course, said my goodbyes just in case.I gave my mom a hug and kiss before I left with my boyfriend for my long weekend.

I even professed my appreciation of knowing my poker buddies and people I work closest with…just in case.

Now, you’re probably thinking that I may have acted a bit too dramatic in believing any of these doomsday theories. But is it really that far-fetched? Really? I mean, in the rare instance that the world DID end, at least I was able to speak my peace.

But anyway, I am still here…on my new laptop ๐Ÿ™‚ and blogging again since I missed you all.

More to come.

 

 

Facebook Hacking Ridiculousness

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I’m pretty sure my Facebook has been hacked, yet again.

This is just getting ridiculous. The last time it was hacked was about a year ago. I remember because I spent about 2 hours at work trying to get it secured again. After, I pulled out all the stops to keep it from getting hacked again. I had it send me text messages anytime I (or anyone else) logged into my profile; an e-mail when any device logged into my profile.

I don’t even accept requests from people I don’t even know! I don’t click on links friends post…I don’t even download apps that I’ve not used before.

Honestly, this is just annoying. And right now I’m locked out of my account…I tried having them secure it again and I’m still waiting on a confirmation code or some sh*t.

GRRRRRR!

I’m so mad, you don’t even know.

Stupid Facebook hackers. I strongly dislike you…