Category Archives: Frustration

This Fortune Cookie is Ruining My Life

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Last Friday I got out of work early…like 10:30 am early. It was pretty awesome. And because of that I was able to grab some lunch with one of my most favoritest people in the world, my sister Nannon. So I picked her up and we went to get some Chinese food.

Now by tradition, after you have your fill of Chinese food, you are treated to a tasty fortune cookie. This day was no different. The waitress brought our fortune cookies with our bill. And as I smashed the cookie in the package (the cookie part wasn’t as tasty as it should be), I searched for the tiny slip of paper baked in its (normally) delicious depths.

And here’s what it said:

"Next week will be your week."

🙂 Next week will be your week. 🙂

I read this and took it with a grain of salt. “Next week will be your week.” At first I was like, ‘F*ck yeah!’; then thought nothing of it. Soon after, we paid for our meal and I took my sister back to work, leaving straight away for home to start my weekend.

Today is Wednesday and as this week has progressed, this cryptic message has been haunting me. What exactly is making this week my week tiny Buddha? Is something spectacular supposed to happen? Was I supposed to play these numbers for this week’s mega jackpot drawing? Is something miraculous supposed to fall out of the sky?!

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?!?!

It’s driving me bananas. The fortune says it’s supposed to be my week but it would have been great if it went into a little more detail. I feel like the answer is there; I just can’t decode it. Like, throw me a friggen bone here…wait, was I supposed to get a bone? What that what was supposed to happen to make it my week? Is this slip of paper insinuating that I’m a female dog…

Cheeky fortune.

Anyway, this tiny slip of paper has been bugging me since Monday. It like, crawled into my brain and planted little fortune babies in my head. It’s mocking me. It’s single sheetingly ruining my life.

Whatever. Stupid fortune cookie. At least my sister’s fortune was a bit more entertaining…

...in bed *giggle*

…in bed *giggle*

On The Mend

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So a few years ago, I remember listening to Dane Cook describe the Nothing Fight and relationships so bad that they are better known as Relation”shits”. I haven’t gotten in relationships that crazy and I am in no way a relationship expert, but I have been through some pretty tough ones.

Breaking up is tough but sometimes necessary.

Breaking up is tough but sometimes necessary.

And here’s the thing. Anytime I have had a break-up, it always ends in severed ties, heaps of tears and (up until recently) me trying to stay invested in the lives of my ex’s.

Funny thing I’ve found about that too? IT NEVER WORKS.

It’s true! And yes, I have had tons of experience on this…being on the losing end with nearly all of my break-ups. It always has turned out that when it’s over, it was my ex who would rather be over and done with it all while I try to piece back together everything that I thought was lost; trying to pry my way back into their hearts.

I suppose that is why I took a three-year hiatus from “love” or serious relationships after my high school boyfriend and I broke up after I came home from my first year of college. I think at the time I used the idea of finding myself as a distraction; an excuse to assure myself that being single would be okay. Break ups are never how they are portrayed in movies…you don’t stay best friends, you can’t stay invested in each other and things are never the way they used to be before you had a taste of what it’s like being together.

It turned out that being alone really wasn’t so bad though. I mean, once I got over the fact that he and I were donzo, I got used to the simple truth that I was free — free to do what I wanted, when I wanted to and not have to worry about the time I got home or if I missed a call. I learned how to take care of myself and put my wants and needs above someone else’s. I learned exactly what I could accomplish on my own.

So imagine the shock I was in, after those three years of being alone, getting into a relationship that would span the exact amount of time I was single. I won’t downplay it because that would be a lie. It was blissful and exciting, crazy and hard all at the same time.

I did the walking this time...

I did the walking this time…

And when the break up turned bad, I found that I was not on the side I was used to being on — the dumped side (to sum it up, I guess).

Since then, I have been on the receiving end of the other person wanting to stay in my life. I’m really getting a taste of my own medicine this time around. He wasn’t ready to be over with it and I can totally relate to that. And it sucks that every time we talk he has to bring up the fact that he thinks about me all the time or he’ll wake up out of a dead sleep thinking that I’m still there. I guess that’s probably why all my other ex’s were so ready for it to be over…it gets to be a tad much.

I still have not figured out what compels us to want to try to mend what we may have had with another person when, clearly, at least one of the parties involved is ready to move on. I also don’t understand why breaking up automatically strikes up fear that the other person will forget about everything that we meant to them. I think that was what scared me for the most part…the idea that someone who had validated my existence would no longer serve that purpose.

This will eventually be attained.

This will eventually be attained.

I guess the whole point of this one was to maybe let him know that it’s okay to move on. I know how difficult it is when you’re still hung up on all the awesome things we had because I have been there before. I haven’t just woken up and forgotten the laughs and great moments we shared. But I also don’t want to spend my days wondering what could have made it any better or what could have saved our relationship.

And I guess the moral of this is that in the grand scheme of things, staying attached to what you had with someone you’ve lost won’t make your heart heal any faster. Even though it is seems like a constant struggle, moving forward is probably the best band-aid for a broken heart.

I went on Facebook…

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…and my news feed has definitely changed.

Let me explain.

About five or six years ago, I was in college okay. The news feed had just come out and for a while it was plagued with self-proclaimed stalkers, attention seekers — emo’s. Then as time passed, it turned into the place to go to find out where the party was at, who was hooking up with who and bouts of e-drama where both parties would e-dropkick each other in the e-face if either set foot on the other’s profile. Further down the road it matured a bit with job offerings, career starts and pursuits of even higher education. However, now, this is what my Facebook news feed has evolved to…

0524_babiesfacebook-marriage-Destroyer_thumb5684_10151417953831727_1459948297_n

…babies, babies — people popping out babies. Weddings? Apparently a lot of my college friends are at that point in their lives where they are getting married. Food…as if anything I could type right now would make that any more remotely normal.

When did I pass that time in my life where Facebook became less of a social experiment and more of the June edition of Better Homes and Gardens magazine? I am pretty sure this happened overnight because why else would I be in such shock? And why do I now have an overwhelming feeling to get married, have a baby, take a picture of the breakfast-in-bed my husband made for me AND post it all on Facebook. You know that expression that old people use…the one that ends in, “or whatever you kids are doing now a days?” Maybe this is what us kids are doing now a days.

I feel like I’m in the 2001 remake of Josie and the Pussycats (the one with Rachel Leigh Cook and Rosario Dawson and Tara Reid?) *crickets* Oh come on! None of you know what I’m talking about, do you? *sigh* I suppose you should google it…no one understands me!

I can't have been the only one who has seen/greatly enjoyed this film!

I can’t have been the only one who has seen/greatly enjoyed this film!

Anyway, I feel like my friends and Facebook are trying to brain wash me. Like, this is what your life is supposed to be like at this moment. Apparently I’m at that age where you get hitched and start a family…you make or eat really good food? Maybe I missed that train or perhaps was too busy doing everything else wrong. Is anyone reading this feel like maybe we’re on the same boat here?

brace-yourself-for-babies-400x272I’m sure our lives are what we make of them and maybe I was being brain washed into thinking that perhaps I am missing something by not having had my wedding or my first child. But I can assure you, these things haven’t totally been written off in my life. And who knows? Maybe by the time I get around to doing these things, there will still be a select few who are still in the same place I am…the last of the good ones.

I am in a weird place lately…

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Not like physically. I’m not just like in a dark alley somewhere or ramdomly standing in a corn field in Nebraska like “what’s up Nebraska?”

No, I just feel like my life has kind of plateaued. Just thinking about it, I came up with this sort-of graph in my head to illustrate…

7 years ago, graduated high school = up two.

3 years ago, graduated college = up seven **including negative three per the thousands of dollars I put myself in debt for a degree which is seemingly useless**

2 years ago, completed a year of AmeriCorps VISTA service = up two.

1.75 years ago, unemployment = down three.

1.5 years ago, started my career at the company in which I am currently employed = up five.

1.5 months ago, was promoted = up five.

Two weeks ago, no change. One week ago, no change. Today, no change.

Maybe I am just being silly or coming down from the high of my promotion. But on top of that, stuff at home has kind of gone sour. Work has become weird — I am in the middle of a transition to another part of my department. Money is just being itself and complicating everything as normal.

Just this past weekend I was laying in bed, browsing apps on my phone when the questions surfaced…

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This question mark has a face in it…mind officially blown.

…who am I?

And what am I doing with my life? Where am I supposed to be headed? How did I even know that Nebraska had a lot of corn fields?

I am not even sure. And I am finding myself just…lost? Maybe.

Idk. Perhaps I have just have to wait it out. I imagine that this has happened before, this cannot be the first time…right? *sigh*

I wish I had a different tone to end this with…perhaps a last note about what I might learn from this or a joke even. But I suppose I will just finish here, leaving you all feeling a little weird, maybe a bit perplexed, and definitely tempted to google how much acreage of corn field Nebraska really has.

xoxo

Should have read the small print…

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Oh hey there.

Hey, so sorry for totally going all dashboard confessional on you all today after like, months of no updates. It’s just that everything is coming out like word vomit and I figured I would piece it all together for you before the e-janitor comes to clean it all up with that sawdust looking stuff (oh, you know what I’m talking about right…right?!).

Anyway…about a week after my birthday, at the end of March, I interviewed for a promotion within my department. And yes, I did get it. I had fulfilled a goal I had set for myself about 6 months of working. I was ecstatic and found out that I was staying on my original team…it honestly could not have been any better.

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Just a pawn in the grand scheme of things…

About a month ago, word spread that management had decided to do some rocking of the boat…long story short, I have been told that I am relocating within the department to do a job that is completely different than what I have been doing for about two years.

I am trying to stay positive about it but I can’t help but shake the feeling of having to start all over again, ya know. And it bothers me a little bit that my job and I are like chess pieces being played with by management. It’s kinda like I am being traded like a baseball card…it feels that way anyway.

I don’t know. Perhaps I am overreacting or overthinking it. Everyone I have talked to says that they think I will be great on the other side. I guess we will just have to see.