Category Archives: Humor

This Fortune Cookie is Ruining My Life

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Last Friday I got out of work early…like 10:30 am early. It was pretty awesome. And because of that I was able to grab some lunch with one of my most favoritest people in the world, my sister Nannon. So I picked her up and we went to get some Chinese food.

Now by tradition, after you have your fill of Chinese food, you are treated to a tasty fortune cookie. This day was no different. The waitress brought our fortune cookies with our bill. And as I smashed the cookie in the package (the cookie part wasn’t as tasty as it should be), I searched for the tiny slip of paper baked in its (normally) delicious depths.

And here’s what it said:

"Next week will be your week."

🙂 Next week will be your week. 🙂

I read this and took it with a grain of salt. “Next week will be your week.” At first I was like, ‘F*ck yeah!’; then thought nothing of it. Soon after, we paid for our meal and I took my sister back to work, leaving straight away for home to start my weekend.

Today is Wednesday and as this week has progressed, this cryptic message has been haunting me. What exactly is making this week my week tiny Buddha? Is something spectacular supposed to happen? Was I supposed to play these numbers for this week’s mega jackpot drawing? Is something miraculous supposed to fall out of the sky?!

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?!?!

It’s driving me bananas. The fortune says it’s supposed to be my week but it would have been great if it went into a little more detail. I feel like the answer is there; I just can’t decode it. Like, throw me a friggen bone here…wait, was I supposed to get a bone? What that what was supposed to happen to make it my week? Is this slip of paper insinuating that I’m a female dog…

Cheeky fortune.

Anyway, this tiny slip of paper has been bugging me since Monday. It like, crawled into my brain and planted little fortune babies in my head. It’s mocking me. It’s single sheetingly ruining my life.

Whatever. Stupid fortune cookie. At least my sister’s fortune was a bit more entertaining…

...in bed *giggle*

…in bed *giggle*

“I got this new glow in the dark thing. You can’t really see it right now unless you go like this…”

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I feel like Carl from Yes Man right now. I hardly slept last night and I kind of feel like I downed about 6 cases of Redbull. (I haven’t so don’t be worried that my heart could explode at any moment)

Have you ever felt so tired that you tricked yourself into thinking you weren’t at all? This used to happen to me a lot during college. I think it is happening now. Last night I tossed and turned til two in the morning then woke up three hours later for work like fml.

Today wasn’t the best either. It rained pretty much all day while the A/C was cranking inside…turned us all into ice cubes (get it? Cuz we all work in cubicles?  Eh? Eh? *crickets*)

-_-*

No one understands me…

Anyway, today felt backwards and all wrong — kinda like my office joke.

I will be going to sleep in 45 minutes though. No if, ands or…

…zzz.

I went on Facebook…

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…and my news feed has definitely changed.

Let me explain.

About five or six years ago, I was in college okay. The news feed had just come out and for a while it was plagued with self-proclaimed stalkers, attention seekers — emo’s. Then as time passed, it turned into the place to go to find out where the party was at, who was hooking up with who and bouts of e-drama where both parties would e-dropkick each other in the e-face if either set foot on the other’s profile. Further down the road it matured a bit with job offerings, career starts and pursuits of even higher education. However, now, this is what my Facebook news feed has evolved to…

0524_babiesfacebook-marriage-Destroyer_thumb5684_10151417953831727_1459948297_n

…babies, babies — people popping out babies. Weddings? Apparently a lot of my college friends are at that point in their lives where they are getting married. Food…as if anything I could type right now would make that any more remotely normal.

When did I pass that time in my life where Facebook became less of a social experiment and more of the June edition of Better Homes and Gardens magazine? I am pretty sure this happened overnight because why else would I be in such shock? And why do I now have an overwhelming feeling to get married, have a baby, take a picture of the breakfast-in-bed my husband made for me AND post it all on Facebook. You know that expression that old people use…the one that ends in, “or whatever you kids are doing now a days?” Maybe this is what us kids are doing now a days.

I feel like I’m in the 2001 remake of Josie and the Pussycats (the one with Rachel Leigh Cook and Rosario Dawson and Tara Reid?) *crickets* Oh come on! None of you know what I’m talking about, do you? *sigh* I suppose you should google it…no one understands me!

I can't have been the only one who has seen/greatly enjoyed this film!

I can’t have been the only one who has seen/greatly enjoyed this film!

Anyway, I feel like my friends and Facebook are trying to brain wash me. Like, this is what your life is supposed to be like at this moment. Apparently I’m at that age where you get hitched and start a family…you make or eat really good food? Maybe I missed that train or perhaps was too busy doing everything else wrong. Is anyone reading this feel like maybe we’re on the same boat here?

brace-yourself-for-babies-400x272I’m sure our lives are what we make of them and maybe I was being brain washed into thinking that perhaps I am missing something by not having had my wedding or my first child. But I can assure you, these things haven’t totally been written off in my life. And who knows? Maybe by the time I get around to doing these things, there will still be a select few who are still in the same place I am…the last of the good ones.

Road Karma

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Dear driver of the Silver-White Chrysler,

For months you have been bullying all the other commuters of John Street. You  race us from the red light, you cut us off by jutting yourself into traffic and you ride our bumpers as though your car wants to procreate with ours.

And yes, we appease you on the road. We slam on our breaks, reassuring ourselves that we probably just came out of nowhere; we let you pass us because we all remind ourselves that your wife is probably in labor…

By golly, sometimes I just cannot decipher what this is telling me to do!

Gee willikers, sometimes I just cannot decipher what this is telling me to do!

Today, dear driver, we all partook in our daily afternoon ritual of clocking out, getting into our cars and making our way to the commune known as John Street. However, like always, you decided to run that darned red sign jutting out of the ground — you know, the one that has that intricate word STOP — except today, you cut off a police officer.

Now I knew he was a visitor of our fair commune known as John Street so he did not understand that your wife was in labor like she is everyday!

Silly, I know.

And as I saw those fated red and blue lights flicker on, I knew that today was not going to be the day you made it to that delivery room.

As I passed you, I did not gesture or even glance over as you slowly rolled your window down to greet the police officer you’d just cut off. I just slightly grinned, squinted my eyes and nodded in sweet, sweet victory.

I hope we can move past this, dear driver. I know that darn sign just sometimes makes no sense…but I’m sure bringing your car to a complete halt behind it won’t hurt every once in a while.

I will see you tomorrow!

Your fellow John Street Commuter,

-Ashley