Category Archives: Revisiting My Past

On The Mend

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So a few years ago, I remember listening to Dane Cook describe the Nothing Fight and relationships so bad that they are better known as Relation”shits”. I haven’t gotten in relationships that crazy and I am in no way a relationship expert, but I have been through some pretty tough ones.

Breaking up is tough but sometimes necessary.

Breaking up is tough but sometimes necessary.

And here’s the thing. Anytime I have had a break-up, it always ends in severed ties, heaps of tears and (up until recently) me trying to stay invested in the lives of my ex’s.

Funny thing I’ve found about that too? IT NEVER WORKS.

It’s true! And yes, I have had tons of experience on this…being on the losing end with nearly all of my break-ups. It always has turned out that when it’s over, it was my ex who would rather be over and done with it all while I try to piece back together everything that I thought was lost; trying to pry my way back into their hearts.

I suppose that is why I took a three-year hiatus from “love” or serious relationships after my high school boyfriend and I broke up after I came home from my first year of college. I think at the time I used the idea of finding myself as a distraction; an excuse to assure myself that being single would be okay. Break ups are never how they are portrayed in movies…you don’t stay best friends, you can’t stay invested in each other and things are never the way they used to be before you had a taste of what it’s like being together.

It turned out that being alone really wasn’t so bad though. I mean, once I got over the fact that he and I were donzo, I got used to the simple truth that I was free — free to do what I wanted, when I wanted to and not have to worry about the time I got home or if I missed a call. I learned how to take care of myself and put my wants and needs above someone else’s. I learned exactly what I could accomplish on my own.

So imagine the shock I was in, after those three years of being alone, getting into a relationship that would span the exact amount of time I was single. I won’t downplay it because that would be a lie. It was blissful and exciting, crazy and hard all at the same time.

I did the walking this time...

I did the walking this time…

And when the break up turned bad, I found that I was not on the side I was used to being on — the dumped side (to sum it up, I guess).

Since then, I have been on the receiving end of the other person wanting to stay in my life. I’m really getting a taste of my own medicine this time around. He wasn’t ready to be over with it and I can totally relate to that. And it sucks that every time we talk he has to bring up the fact that he thinks about me all the time or he’ll wake up out of a dead sleep thinking that I’m still there. I guess that’s probably why all my other ex’s were so ready for it to be over…it gets to be a tad much.

I still have not figured out what compels us to want to try to mend what we may have had with another person when, clearly, at least one of the parties involved is ready to move on. I also don’t understand why breaking up automatically strikes up fear that the other person will forget about everything that we meant to them. I think that was what scared me for the most part…the idea that someone who had validated my existence would no longer serve that purpose.

This will eventually be attained.

This will eventually be attained.

I guess the whole point of this one was to maybe let him know that it’s okay to move on. I know how difficult it is when you’re still hung up on all the awesome things we had because I have been there before. I haven’t just woken up and forgotten the laughs and great moments we shared. But I also don’t want to spend my days wondering what could have made it any better or what could have saved our relationship.

And I guess the moral of this is that in the grand scheme of things, staying attached to what you had with someone you’ve lost won’t make your heart heal any faster. Even though it is seems like a constant struggle, moving forward is probably the best band-aid for a broken heart.

Tiny Moments

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I was feeling a bit pensive the other day.

I was driving through my old home town and for some strange reason tiny moments of my past came flooding into my mind. It’s strange being back in that place and how it all seems so familiar and unfamiliar at the same time.

During college, anytime I would come home, it’d be just a little less comforting every summer. It started feeling less like home and more like an increasingly distant friend; one that I knew very well at first but then lost touch with as time passed.

And in many ways, everything is the same…the same buildings, the same people. As I drove through I remembered when 7-11 used to be a Sugarcreek and Shurfine used to be Jubilee and how the new Government Center was once the town’s old nursing home. And how the monuments of the town used to look so much bigger when I was younger; they’ve now rusted and are a little less handsome than when I was growing up.

PMJ_061-300x300I can remember spending days and nights driving around hoping to score…anything really. There would be days when I would be home but gone for weeks at a time cruising back roads and side streets with my friends. And as I was driving on the same pavement I was taken back to those days. How reckless were we? To this day, I don’t know how were never caught or stopped by the fuzz. So many memories; like the woods we would escape to light bonfires for our underage drinking excursions…or the memorial on the side of the road marking the place one of my classmates had died two years after graduation. Or the shed where I told my high school crush I’d call him back in a few days — 6 years later, I still haven’t called. Or the meandering dips and curves from the midnight drives I would take with a guy I thought I had fallen madly in love with.

film-strip-77Everything about that place played out in my mind like a film reel of tiny moments in my head; snapshots of a girl I used to be and all of her dreams and aspirations. It’s nice, sometimes, to be reminded of the past and how a lot of the decisions I made brought me to where I am now. I think someday when I’m looking out over blue waters of the far away coast of my new home, I may look back and miss this.

I’m glad I can visit now and again…even if it is as an old friend just passing through.

I am in a weird place lately…

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Not like physically. I’m not just like in a dark alley somewhere or ramdomly standing in a corn field in Nebraska like “what’s up Nebraska?”

No, I just feel like my life has kind of plateaued. Just thinking about it, I came up with this sort-of graph in my head to illustrate…

7 years ago, graduated high school = up two.

3 years ago, graduated college = up seven **including negative three per the thousands of dollars I put myself in debt for a degree which is seemingly useless**

2 years ago, completed a year of AmeriCorps VISTA service = up two.

1.75 years ago, unemployment = down three.

1.5 years ago, started my career at the company in which I am currently employed = up five.

1.5 months ago, was promoted = up five.

Two weeks ago, no change. One week ago, no change. Today, no change.

Maybe I am just being silly or coming down from the high of my promotion. But on top of that, stuff at home has kind of gone sour. Work has become weird — I am in the middle of a transition to another part of my department. Money is just being itself and complicating everything as normal.

Just this past weekend I was laying in bed, browsing apps on my phone when the questions surfaced…

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This question mark has a face in it…mind officially blown.

…who am I?

And what am I doing with my life? Where am I supposed to be headed? How did I even know that Nebraska had a lot of corn fields?

I am not even sure. And I am finding myself just…lost? Maybe.

Idk. Perhaps I have just have to wait it out. I imagine that this has happened before, this cannot be the first time…right? *sigh*

I wish I had a different tone to end this with…perhaps a last note about what I might learn from this or a joke even. But I suppose I will just finish here, leaving you all feeling a little weird, maybe a bit perplexed, and definitely tempted to google how much acreage of corn field Nebraska really has.

xoxo

Back Again: What would I do without Roberts?

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So here I am again, back at my good ‘ol Alma Mater, Roberts Wesleyan College. All I can say about that is…WHAT WOULD I DO WITHOUT THIS SCHOOL!

Especially on days like this. See, I drive into work with my mom. It seems like a good financial decision…especially since we live about an hour away from our jobs. Anyway, on nights when she is on call I would usually go over and hang out with my sister. However, my sister borrowed my key to her apartment and she’s on a Cruise right now so that rules out that option.

So again, here I am…just creeping in the Library of the College I graduated from. I suppose it’s nice to be able to come back again; even if it’s just to use the computers that I spent thousands of dollars in 4 years to use.

Mark that as a win.