Category Archives: Sad

Where the Lines Overlap

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I felt wuzzy twice today.

And in case you are asking yourself, ‘what are you even talking about?!’ Wuzzy = warm + fuzzy. That’s not a word? Well it is now so booyahhhh.

Anyway, work was kinda crazy today. In case you don’t know what I do, I work for a human resource company. I specialize in payroll taxes and yes, I am pretty awesome at my job. This morning, I was doing some approvals and checking payments and stuff; I had handed back some paperwork to be redone and the girl who had to redo it is relatively new. She seemed frazzled — I could already tell she had been working with the branch partners a lot with it.

So when she handed the corrected paperwork back, I processed it and sent it on to be mailed. I IM’ed her…nearly instantaneously, she reacted with, ‘did I miss something again?’ And instead of bringing her down, I simply said, ‘no. I just wanted to say good job.’ I assured her that what we do is not a walk in the park; there will be stuff she has to do that is difficult and she just has to get through it. I also let her know that instead of being so hard on herself, she needs to remember that she has potential to be great at her job…a little patience is all that is needed.

This reminded me of why I was promoted. I like mentoring; I like seeing people succeed. This was one of the many wonderful things that made me stand out when I went for my promotion. I help approve work of more than 24 specialists…I don’t want to be that person who only interacts with them when they do something wrong. I think that at some point in the past month or so, I lost sight of that. 😦

Later in the afternoon, I went to talk to one of the girls that management had swapped our job roles and she had just gotten off the phone with support. So I went into her cube after I heard her hang up the phone just in time to see her completely break down in tears. I knew that the transition was a bit harder for them than it was for me…I just didn’t know that it had gotten that overwhelming.

I have never seen anyone in my department reach that breaking point. So I let her cry and vent to me. I listened as she told me how the work that came with the switch was just too much — how she had been with the department for 9 years and never wanted to walk out more than she did today.

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And all the while, I was trying to comfort her. I had my hand on her back soothing her. I even gave her a few hugs. Then I told her if she needed to talk, I would be there in a heartbeat.

I was thinking about it a little bit after. Was it unwise to go in for a hug or soothe her? Did it go against the company’s Right Way training? I was taught that in the work place, the safest option is to just keep out of others’ personal bubbles…honor boundaries.

I think that we’re so caught up in the deadlines and trying to keep it professional that we sometimes forget that we are working with people. I spend as nearly as much time during the week with my co-workers as I do with my own family. I see the people at the office everyday but all the rules about right and wrong interactions make us to be more like robots than humans.

I just found myself in that gray area where I am doing right as a human but wrong as a slave to Corporate America. Idk. Maybe it’s necessary for these lines to have overlapped. And honestly, if given the chance to do it over I would not do it any differently.

Agree or disagree, either is fine. I would just rather take the more human approach is all. I mean, what would you all have done?

Let me know 🙂

I miss you Brandon

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Brandon in his uniform.

Brandon in his uniform.

I have a brother. His name is Brandon and he joined the US Army this year. He left at the end of April. After about two weeks of him leaving, he sent me this picture of him in his uniform. He told us that he loves it.

Needless to say, I really miss him. I can’t believe it’s already been over a month since he left. He writes letters to us all the time. I must have read his first letter ten times. Since then we’ve received about four or five more and every time I read them, I can hear his voice — he writes just as he would talk and I get a kick out of it.

He talks about how homesick he is; this just makes me miss him a whole lot more. As the month has gone by, he seems like he is getting more used to being away and even though it kinda stinks, I am glad he is getting more comfortable where he is now. He talks about the guys in his platoon and his drill instructors…about how they are really funny and awesome. He even named his rifle Daisy Buchannan…after the character on The Great Gatsby.

Anyway, he’ll be graduating from Basic training in August. I can’t wait to see him. I am really close to my siblings and with how much time we’ve spent together, you’d think that we’d get sick of each other. That’s not the case though, I miss him more than ever.

You know that song about not knowing what you have until it’s gone? I think this overwhelming feeling I have is just that.

I can’t wait to see him again.

This is one of the pics we nabbed from our trip to the Strong Museum of Play before he left in April. :)

This is one of the pics we nabbed from our trip to the Strong Museum of Play before he left in April. 🙂

On The Mend

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So a few years ago, I remember listening to Dane Cook describe the Nothing Fight and relationships so bad that they are better known as Relation”shits”. I haven’t gotten in relationships that crazy and I am in no way a relationship expert, but I have been through some pretty tough ones.

Breaking up is tough but sometimes necessary.

Breaking up is tough but sometimes necessary.

And here’s the thing. Anytime I have had a break-up, it always ends in severed ties, heaps of tears and (up until recently) me trying to stay invested in the lives of my ex’s.

Funny thing I’ve found about that too? IT NEVER WORKS.

It’s true! And yes, I have had tons of experience on this…being on the losing end with nearly all of my break-ups. It always has turned out that when it’s over, it was my ex who would rather be over and done with it all while I try to piece back together everything that I thought was lost; trying to pry my way back into their hearts.

I suppose that is why I took a three-year hiatus from “love” or serious relationships after my high school boyfriend and I broke up after I came home from my first year of college. I think at the time I used the idea of finding myself as a distraction; an excuse to assure myself that being single would be okay. Break ups are never how they are portrayed in movies…you don’t stay best friends, you can’t stay invested in each other and things are never the way they used to be before you had a taste of what it’s like being together.

It turned out that being alone really wasn’t so bad though. I mean, once I got over the fact that he and I were donzo, I got used to the simple truth that I was free — free to do what I wanted, when I wanted to and not have to worry about the time I got home or if I missed a call. I learned how to take care of myself and put my wants and needs above someone else’s. I learned exactly what I could accomplish on my own.

So imagine the shock I was in, after those three years of being alone, getting into a relationship that would span the exact amount of time I was single. I won’t downplay it because that would be a lie. It was blissful and exciting, crazy and hard all at the same time.

I did the walking this time...

I did the walking this time…

And when the break up turned bad, I found that I was not on the side I was used to being on — the dumped side (to sum it up, I guess).

Since then, I have been on the receiving end of the other person wanting to stay in my life. I’m really getting a taste of my own medicine this time around. He wasn’t ready to be over with it and I can totally relate to that. And it sucks that every time we talk he has to bring up the fact that he thinks about me all the time or he’ll wake up out of a dead sleep thinking that I’m still there. I guess that’s probably why all my other ex’s were so ready for it to be over…it gets to be a tad much.

I still have not figured out what compels us to want to try to mend what we may have had with another person when, clearly, at least one of the parties involved is ready to move on. I also don’t understand why breaking up automatically strikes up fear that the other person will forget about everything that we meant to them. I think that was what scared me for the most part…the idea that someone who had validated my existence would no longer serve that purpose.

This will eventually be attained.

This will eventually be attained.

I guess the whole point of this one was to maybe let him know that it’s okay to move on. I know how difficult it is when you’re still hung up on all the awesome things we had because I have been there before. I haven’t just woken up and forgotten the laughs and great moments we shared. But I also don’t want to spend my days wondering what could have made it any better or what could have saved our relationship.

And I guess the moral of this is that in the grand scheme of things, staying attached to what you had with someone you’ve lost won’t make your heart heal any faster. Even though it is seems like a constant struggle, moving forward is probably the best band-aid for a broken heart.

I am in a weird place lately…

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Not like physically. I’m not just like in a dark alley somewhere or ramdomly standing in a corn field in Nebraska like “what’s up Nebraska?”

No, I just feel like my life has kind of plateaued. Just thinking about it, I came up with this sort-of graph in my head to illustrate…

7 years ago, graduated high school = up two.

3 years ago, graduated college = up seven **including negative three per the thousands of dollars I put myself in debt for a degree which is seemingly useless**

2 years ago, completed a year of AmeriCorps VISTA service = up two.

1.75 years ago, unemployment = down three.

1.5 years ago, started my career at the company in which I am currently employed = up five.

1.5 months ago, was promoted = up five.

Two weeks ago, no change. One week ago, no change. Today, no change.

Maybe I am just being silly or coming down from the high of my promotion. But on top of that, stuff at home has kind of gone sour. Work has become weird — I am in the middle of a transition to another part of my department. Money is just being itself and complicating everything as normal.

Just this past weekend I was laying in bed, browsing apps on my phone when the questions surfaced…

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This question mark has a face in it…mind officially blown.

…who am I?

And what am I doing with my life? Where am I supposed to be headed? How did I even know that Nebraska had a lot of corn fields?

I am not even sure. And I am finding myself just…lost? Maybe.

Idk. Perhaps I have just have to wait it out. I imagine that this has happened before, this cannot be the first time…right? *sigh*

I wish I had a different tone to end this with…perhaps a last note about what I might learn from this or a joke even. But I suppose I will just finish here, leaving you all feeling a little weird, maybe a bit perplexed, and definitely tempted to google how much acreage of corn field Nebraska really has.

xoxo